A Little Lost

Lately, I feel like I've lost myself.

More so, I feel like I've been looking for myself and not finding what I expected. This blog is filled with post after post of me searching for the same thing. Me, trying to communicate some thought some idea as authentically me as possible.

I stopped blogging recently. Not out of a conscious choice, but out of distraction with other things. That is how my life feels right now, distracted.

Today I spent some time speaking with a friend. He has had a most interesting life. He has traveled extensively and gotten to learn and study and teach some extraordinary things. His story is important because listening to his excitement and energy for his life sent me through a whole myriad of thoughts and emotions. I thought about how I want to learn so many of the same things. I want to travel everywhere and learn about cultures and languages.

But, then I started thinking about my other goals too. My goals for my children. My goals for the type of mother I want to be. Goals for my education and intellectual growth. I have felt so much like somebody went and pushed pause on my life. I have been stagnant. I have been wallowing in my own mediocrity and then trying to find reasons to escape it all.

I am a wife, daughter, sister and mother. I am the mother of five children. I am a stay at home mother of five children. Somewhere lost in all of that is a woman, an individual. I've been going about reconnecting with myself all wrong. I've stopped doing the things that free me to be me, because in so many ways I thought those things were preventing it. So, my worries about the homework, the housework, the volunteer responsibilities have been tremendous because I have fought doing them. They have felt burdensome. When the honest truth is, when I face those burdens and attack them with energy and happiness, they are lighter and much easier to accomplish.

So there it is. The true way to not lose myself..is to face the struggles instead of escape them.
I think I'll return to blogland now.

To Cable or Not To Cable

The Diamondbacks are in the playoffs. The first preseason Suns' game is on Saturday. I am in my own personal sports heaven right now. The only thing that could be better? Is if I had cable or satellite so I could actually watch all the games. Of course, who am I kidding? With my kids, that wouldn't happen anyway.

I have a question for you. For you wonderful blogworld you. Do you have cable or satellite TV? If so, how much extra does it cost you a month? If you have experience with both cable and satellite, what is the advantage of each?

I guess that was more than one question.

My husband and I keep debating whether we should get cable or not. We've had it in the past, but for a long time haven't because of cost. Now, we worry that if we have it, the TV will become an even bigger presence in our home, which we do not want. So, if you have an opinion, please share!

Thanks.

Pottery Gossip

Tonight my husband and I spent the evening painting pottery. This is becoming one of our regular date night activities, especially right now when movie selection is so dismal. We go to a place called "As You Wish" I'll share some pictures of what we have painted after we pick up things on Monday.

Tonight a group of girl scouts were there with their parents. Ten, ten yr-olds with their gossiping moms. Well, there was one dad there. He didn't do much gossiping, but he held his own in the real conversation department.

My husband and I sat in our quiet corner and listened to the interactions of the kids and adults for two hours. Let me tell you a bit of what I learned sitting there tonight.

- One woman spent a lot of time worrying over her painting, and was continually sending her daughter to fetch her different colors and brushes. Patience was not her strong suit. Later, we learned she is also the mother of twins who left daddy in charge of the boys tonight. She was less than enthusiastic of dad's parenting skills.

- Another woman was about to make some major changes in her job. She became intensely curious in what other people are earning at their jobs. And how they handle health care at such jobs. She also wondered how another woman who owns a small company handles health care for her employees. It was rather personal things. But they all seemed comfortable sharing it all.

- Another woman was quickly trying to plan a parent's meeting for next Wednesday. She was rather fearful some of the parents would leave before she had the chance to commit them all to coming. She also talked about attending a larger girl scouts meeting. She complained quite a bit about the requirements for some project. I don't know the program so the details eluded me.

- Another woman spent most of her time complimenting the painting of the different parents. She went so far as to declare that the dad had a hidden talent. She went on to explain how her mother had no hobbies until she retired and then took up painting, like Bob Ross. Which of course led to the women giggling over enjoying watching Bob Ross.

-Another woman kept talking about her trip to Hawaii from several years back. I think she felt the need to show she's been there too as another lady had just returned from a trip there.

-The dad talked about how he gets extra benefits at his federal government job because he was in the military. Personally, I think all veterans deserve some sort of continued benefit such as he explained.

-The best part? The hushed conversation when all the girls would be away from the main table. They had to discuss the friend who's husband had just filed for divorce. Of course the friend didn't want anyone but the woman speaking to know, so the speaking woman made sure all the other adults would keep it secret.

It is kinda sad how we women sometimes talk about things we shouldn't. It can make for interesting conversation in the moment, but I found a lot of unfairness and disservice to others in that random conversation I overheard.

How sad for that father of the twins, who is caring for his kids, to be compared to a barely competent babysitter. How sad for the woman getting a divorce to have who she believes are her friends snickering and whispering about how they saw it coming. How sad that little girls were being bossed around, false compliments were being layered all the while everyone was smiling and laughing..I felt very little genuine happiness from the group. I felt competition, comparing, veiled insults, and pressure to conform. And yet, I know they all feel themselves to be great friends. How genuine am I with my friends? How respectful am I when I share things about my husband? How nosy can I be?

I don't know these people. But they offered me a glimpse into myself for a moment. And I feel a renewed commitment, to be careful with my words. Words hold power. I should not wield them carelessly.

-

Another Year Wiser

Happy Birthday to me.

I'm now thirty-three.

Want to give me a treat?

An hour alone can't be beat!

My kids made me breakfast this morning. A bowl of soggy cereal and two cans of diet Mountain Dew. Can't say they don't know their Momma (the dew, not the cereal). And they are the best things in my life.

Why Aren't I Crying?

Today I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry long and hard and get all the frustration to spill out of me with the tears. I didn't cry. I didn't even tear up. Instead, I sat and thought through the experience. The more I considered the different angles the less frustrated I was and eventually it faded enough that I was fine.

We (my husband and I) have managed to lose our only remaining key to our van. This van is our only vehicle. And now, we have no key to it. The key has an embedded chip and so it was never a simple thing to get a copy.

Today, I had to get to a Cub Scout meeting and no means of getting there as I discovered the key was gone. A dear friend who has a son in the pack offered to pick me up and take me. As I had planned all the activities, I thought this was the only way to make sure Cub Scouts still happened today.

On the way to the church where we meet, her car overheated. Her husband had to come rescue us. We left him with the overheated car and continued on to the meeting. I was 40 min late for the 1 hr meeting. All I could do was laugh. It was so surreal.

Back home after all the boys were finally picked up from the nonmeeting, the search restarted for the lost key. We cleaned and searched for three hours. We still have no key.

See, I deserve a sob session.

But it hasn't come. I don't think it will. I am now, just very very tired and am faced with having to somehow get new keys tomorrow.

So, why no tears?

Because I am loved. I had help at every step of the way today. Every single person was understanding and everyone was safe. That is all I can see. I see the faces of my sympathetic friends. I see my children working to clean up the messes I made searching for the key. I am so blessed. How can I cry?

Hello, Is Anybody In There?

Renovations often bring unexpected obstacles. This is really just a truth about being your own general contractor. But, having heard this and having lived this are two very separate things. And look at me..I put that in the past tense, like it is all over and done with. I hope I haven't just jinxed myself with another month of headaches, heh.

This summer of fixing the house came as a surprise for me. It certainly wasn't in my summer plans back in May. BUT- then the air conditioner stopped working and since the thing was ancient and it needed a new compressor..well no point in fixing it. Might as well spend $10K to get a new one. Oh, but wait, I don't have that much money just laying around. So, we entered a very confusing world of refinancing and home equity. We ended up diving head first into home renovations in the matter of a couple of weeks. There really is only so much you can do to prepare for such things anyway, but a bit more planning might have been helpful.

Anyway, I have learned more then I ever thought I would know about getting permits from the city. And the biggest lesson of getting permits? If the inspector says you have to have a permit...you get a permit no matter what the people at City Hall say. Gotta love bureaucracy. Because we were having major electrical work done on the house, we had to have a city inspector come out and say all was good before we could turn back power to the house. Not just turn back on the power, but have the power company reconnect the house to the wires dangling from the dead tree in my backyard. It is amazing what the city inspector will find wrong with your house once you let him into the yard. UGH!

In all of this, we got to go look at aerial photographs of our neighborhood from around the time the house was built. It is crazy to see how little the structures of the area have changed in the past 40 years. It must be the fear of those city inspectors...

I sat all afternoon one day comparing the black and white images we got from city hall to my neighborhood on Google maps. Google is cool. What a fun way to spy on the neighbors. And look at who's backyards are messier than mine. (Actually..with all the work..my backyard is looking better than it has since we moved in..emptying a pool into the yard sure does help the grass grow).

My kids love Google maps too. We roam around the city with it finding Grandma's house and their school and their favorite parks. How did I ever survive without a birdseye view of my world as a kid?

This week, school started again for my kids. I have been alone all day with my two little hellions boys. Keep in mind that this house still does not have a functioning kitchen. (Although those adorable, sweet little boys have already gone in with marker and scribbled on all the new cabinet doors...Thank goodness for magic eraser). I have started to feel like I am living in a very narrow universe. My bipolar mind does not like this and has been trying to go on Strike.

For months, I have lived one day at a time. I know that sounds cliché ..and well it is a cliché. Each morning through all this, I would get up to take care of my kids..keeping them from destroying whoever's house we were staying at that week. Rush them off to swim lessons etc. and then spend the afternoon doing laundry at the laundromat, or dealing with workers at the house (or meeting the city inspector to beg to let us have the power back on). I hopped from one chaotic moment to the next, trying to just keep it all moving forward. So, is it any wonder I am struggling to find my old routines? Is it any wonder my little boys are going a bit crazy too?

I am missing my Google maps view of my life right now. I feel like I am focused down onto a little speck of dust and can't stop staring at it. I am struggling to zoom out and see the whole picture. I feel trapped..staring at that speck.

As much as all of what I am feeling is understandable..I am still stuck. My mind wants to stop and just stand outside of me with that picket sign. The intense need I feel to run away right now is overwhelming. I don't feel hopeless or helpless...more that I don't care anymore. But I have to care. The hardest part is that despite largely understanding what I am feeling..it doesn't stop the feeling. But the exploration of it all, does help me to keep fighting. And eventually, I'll beat it. I always do.

Confessions of a Lousy Accountant

I was so set to post pictures of my kids at their band concert, but then my cable...the one that connects to the camera and the computer to allow such easy downloading..decided to stop working. So, I will have to wait until after pay day to buy a new cable. That is if I can feel safe allowing my husband in to Fry's Electronics. He he..I say that for all the wives of technology loving husbands.

The whole concept of money can be so terrifying. Or more so, the lack thereof. (Wasn't that a cool sentence? I love the phrases..more so and thereof.) It isn't an uncommon practice in our home to have to put off a purchase until payday. In that past, it has always been because there has been no money left. The whole living pay check to pay check experience. Not to say we have gotten too far from that, but we have a tiny little savings now. The thought occurred to me, transfer money over and go buy the cable. And that is when understanding finally..after all these horrifying (well where money management is concerned) years. That money in savings isn't for a new camera cable. That money in savings is for real emergencies and so I have no money for a new cable until payday.

See, without this very important understanding...it is near impossible to truly save money. The whole needs v. wants has to take precedence somewhere. I have family members, friends, etc who are much better with finances than I have been. It used to confuse me when one of them would comment on how they have no money for such and such and it will have to wait. Knowing them to be a good saver, this confused me. I really must be pretty hard-headed. In their minds they don't have any more money for the superfluous and so there is no money.

Why has it taken so long for this to sink in? We are about to refinance our house and wrap some debt into it. So, maybe it is a really good time for this lesson to finally stick with me a bit. 'eh?


Ok and just because I really was looking forward to posting a picture or two. Here are a couple of older shots of the kids at the beach last March:



Monkey building Sand Castles.



Little Bear and the waves.

Bullets of Complaint

I think it is a good time for a bulleted list. Many things running through my thoughts today.

♥ It is Wednesday. Wednesday means Cub Scouts. I've had a lot of Cub Scouts lately. We are currently planning a Day Camp for the boys (four different packs are taking part). Normally we would head out to the Council Day Camp, but it is far from us and being held completely outside, in the middle of the afternoon. Um..it is really really hot here in the middle of the afternoon. So, we have a nice indoor location with a few outdoor activities planned (mostly in the morning). It is a lot of work tho.
♥ It is Wednesday. Wednesday means Cub Scouts. I asked my fellow den leader to plan the activities for today and I would help in whatever she wanted. She hasn't asked for help and since I have planned most everything for the past two months..I'm a tad bit worried. I shouldn't be. She is great with the kids and is certainly does as well as I do about following through with things. So, I must just be a control freak..that's all.
♥ I am tired. I've been tired for the past several weeks. I've climbed out of that depression pit and am left with a bit of anxiety issues, but nothing too extreme. So, why am I still so tired? Last year about this time I got really tired too. Maybe my body just hates making the transition to hot weather. Maybe I overslept last night. I went to bed at 9pm and got up at 7:30am. I haven't slept through like that in a long time.
♥ I need to go buy diapers. But see above. I'm tired and don't feel like dragging the toddlers through Wal-Mart. You know the diapers are on the wall in the back corner of the store and that the store is like a mile wide. I need to go search in the diaper bag. I hope we have enough until tonight.
♥ Tonight the Suns are playing game 5 in the first round of the playoffs. It is showing on cable. I don't have cable, because who really needs that much TV? Except..right now? I do! I need that much TV, just for three hours tonight. I think I'll head over to my mom's house. I'll buy diapers on the way home.
♥ I have phone calls I need to make. This is really really tough for me right now. (See above mentioned anxiety issues..) I think everyone I know should get email accounts...and have a means of answering said email immediately. After all, it's all about making things easier for me right? Heh.. Ok..having just typed all that and seeing how pathetic it looks..I'll try again to make the phone calls.
♥ I keep having these dreams about my last place of employment. Weird dreams where suddenly I'm expected to know everything, even tho I've been away for two years. I think the dreams are tied to financial stresses I'm having right now. If I were to go look for a job right now, I would most likely start there. My husband is going back to school. He is going to try to do it while still working full time. I have fears that it won't work so well and I will need to return to work. So, then the worries begin about my kids and the wide range of stuff that would come with a return to work. But nothing is to be decided for now, so I push it out of my mind..and into my dreams I guess.


Okay, enough complaining for now. My husband always thinks that making a list helps a person organize thoughts into action. I can hope.

Depression v. Love

Thank you all for you comments on my last post. They were reassuring and comforting. As an update, my dear friend sent me a note in the mail that arrived Saturday morning. I should have been giving her more credit as a friend. She decided that even if I needed to withdraw, I should still have her encouraging, strengthening words. I am truly blessed to have her friendship.

I keep telling myself I need to change my perspective. If I can see situations from different angles I am more likely to see them as they really are. That is the struggle with depression, my perspective gets narrowed and I only see things from my own distorted mindset.

This weekend, that has been my goal, to shift my point-of-view. It is starting to work. I still find some things (like making phone calls) completely overwhelming. I have, however, found a way to seeing my children as the amazing people they are again. Grumpy mom is really no fun for anyone. This is a great step forward. My patience for my children is one of my gauges for when things are getting bad. The rest of the chaos is easier to put back into order when I allow myself to be filled with love again.

It is really tough to stay depressed when feeling love and compassion for others. Depression is a selfish beast.

So, here's my goal for the week. I will remember, often, how much I love my children. I will remember much I adore my husband. I will remember my sweet friends. I deserve to feel love. It is part of being alive. Most importantly, I deserve to be loved back. What a tremendous feeling to know I really am loved.

A second goal...I will go find something else to write a post about. The only way to do that..is to actually go do things and I am in need of some doing.

Me and Depression, Screwing-up Friendships for Twenty Years and Counting

I sent the email saying Go Ahead! to my hosting service. They sent back a confusing email with already answered questions. UGH! So...my blog has not found its nook on the new server yet. Consider yourselves warned, however, should this amazing place of wisdom become unavailable for a time.

So um...

Depression...well it sucks. Maybe I need to borrow one of my daughter's fairy wands (she has at least seven). Then I can just tap my head, whisper a few magic words and my perspective will magically become all rosy and happy.

The worst part...or maybe the best part...is that life isn't so bad right now. I'm not sure what the trigger for this latest bout has been...maybe it has just been awhile and I was due. Honestly, it is part of being bipolar, no matter how wondrous life is. But, you should be proud of me. I've been battling like crazy. I pretend I'm good until I just can't pretend no more. Sometimes that is what it takes to hold things together until the meds kick in.

Here's the part that is worrying me tho. I have a friend who is fairly new to my emotional vomiting. (Heh. I like that.) I really do quite well most of the time and most people in my life have no clue I can get so wacko. I was supposed to meet her at the park and let our kids play this last week. That morning, I just couldn't. I'd had a couple of tough things happen and I was reduced to painful sobs. You know the kind. I knew that if I didn't call her, she'd stop by after the park to be sure things were ok. I wasn't ok. So, I called...sobbing. But being the nature of such things for me, I didn't know what she could do to help. In fact, I knew I couldn't do much for a little while until it passed. But heavens, can you just imagine it? A respected friend calling to cancel a playdate while sobbing? Of course she wanted to help and I love her for it.

I am really afraid I have hurt her with my insistence that she could not help me. In fact, I am pretty sure it hurt her. I have to go and try to explain/make up. I am afraid I have lost her. (While this may not be logical, it fits with my emotions..).

So, if you are the commenting type...I'd really love some reassurance here.

Also, it occurs me that like most people out there...some who read here may really not completely understand what it means to be bipolar. If you have questions, please ask, I'll answer in an upcoming post. Cuz hey, I didn't know much until I was diagnosed either.

Hiding in My Hole

As a teen, I loved this song, "Forever Young" by Alphaville.

I found the idea of staying young forever very romantic. At the time, growing older was a very strange idea. Time passed excruciatingly slow. The thought of being married and having kids was overwhelming. So much so, that I would push it out of my thoughts and remind myself how it will never come.

I set myself up for who I am today. I would push even the thought of realistic future stress away so well that I did very little planning and deciding who I really wanted to be as an adult.

As a kid, I did dream of my future. I remember watching Mary Lou Retton at the 1984 Olympics and I was sure I needed to become a gymnast. By the age of 13 I reached my full height, 5'10" (1.79 meters for my metric friends). But at eight years-old none could convince me it was not to be.

I've always known I wanted to be mother. Nothing has been more rewarding in my life than my amazing kids. I just find myself wishing that I hadn't been so sure I was going to be Forever Young. I wish I had figured out more of who I wanted to be outside of motherhood.

Ok, all this is pretty random. I've been battling depression and migraines....again. I give into their power far too often. I have intents and desires but I am struggling to turn them into action.

I wasn't so good with understanding anything about balance as a kid, as a teen, or young adult, literally and figuratively. When my little world feels like it is closing in on me and darkness and hopelessness are in easy reach, it is easy to believe I will forever be just who and where I am right now.

Heh..All this is me..where I am right now. I've held back from posting because I knew it would come out rather scattered and pathetic. I feel ashamed of being myself. I miss feeling young.

Me, Bob and the Police Man

Yesterday, I was pulled over by a handsome police officer as I drove down a quiet residential street.

Doesn't that just sound pleasant?

My first reaction? I was irritated. I was going the speed limit. Even more irritating? I was sure that the cop had followed me from the shopping center I had just left. He had been following me to catch me in a mistake. I was certain of it!

It was a gorgeous 85 degree afternoon and I had decided I wasn't going to stay inside. The park wasn't a good option though because I had two kids recently recovered from being very sick. So, what better thing to do on a sunny afternoon than to go shopping for summer clothes.

We arrive at our first destination, and little Bob (2 1/2 yrs-old) decides he must be carried into the store. This is not happening. If I carry Bob, then I must also carry Tay-yay (1 1/2 yrs-old). So, the rule is both boys must walk up to the store holding my hands and then they get to ride in a cart. Little Bob wanted none of this. He whined and clung to my leg as I waddle along through the parking lot holding the other toddler's hand.

I received many sympathetic looks from strangers. Even better, I got compliments on how beautiful my children are....even as I was struggling with them. Is that really better? Ask for my attention to tell me they are beautiful, AFTER we are out of the dangerous parking lot. Please?

Then we went shopping. Shopping was pleasant and the boys were deliciously adorable. I found many cute things for my kids to start wearing right away as it is going to be in the 90's all weekend. Time to store away anything with long sleeves.

Walking back out to the van was equally frustrating as now I was carrying bags too. I did manage to get the kids all safely stored away into their car seats. I then drove out of the parking lot. I took the exit into a residential area. I know the neighborhood well and knew it would be quicker to cut through to my next stop instead of fighting traffic and lights on the main road.

We were on our way to a going out of business Wal-Mart. What? A Wal-Mart going out of business? That is unheard of! But understandable when they are opening up and Wal-Mart SUPER CENTER less than a mile away. I am glad they are not so arrogant to think that we need two within a mile of each other. I thought I might find some good clearance deals as the store is closing in less than a week.

On the way out of the parking lot on to the previously mentioned residential street, I passed by a police officer parked in his car. He looked like he might be doing paperwork or something, but then he followed me out of the parking lot...

It was strange to see him slowly following me. He wasn't keeping up at first. But after I turned a corner, I looked into my rearview mirror and there he was right behind me. Then his lights came on.

I pulled over, rolled down my window and unlatched my seatbelt. I was frowning and irritated. I wasn't doing anything wrong! But..as he exited his car I saw him in my rear-view mirror and I realized my mistake. He was walking up carrying my large black purse.

Talk about a quick way to melt away anger and turn it into humility. The wonderful man had even stopped and picked up a few of the things that had come out of the purse. He explained that the intersection where I had turned was littered with the contents of my purse and I ought to go back and get my stuff. Which I did.

I pulled into the relatively quiet intersection, turned on my hazard lights and quickly scurried around picking up my credit cards, license, cash..etc. A woman stood in her front yard steps away from me and asked me if it was my stuff. Yes I said. How crazy...stop me while I am saving my identity as cars carefully pass me. I am pretty certain I was able to retrieve anything of importance.

We then turned around and finished the drive to Wal-Mart. My son did not cooperate any better getting through the parking lot, but I was rewarded for my efforts by finding a very cute skirt for $3.00.

I didn't have it in me to make any additional stops and we went home and all took naps afterward.

So, thank you kind City of Phoenix Police Officer. You took care of me yesterday.

:-)

Things I have done right so far today:

:-) Got dressed and brushed my teeth before doing anything else this morning.

:-) Got up early enough to get the kids dressed nicely, hair done and off to school on time.

:-) Changed and Dressed both toddlers before 9am.

:-) Fed those toddlers breakfast while smiling at them.

:-) Ate breakfast myself.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

So, what did you do right this morning? You deserve the credit for doing things right even more than you deserve the blame for making mistakes. Today, I am going to focus on parenting myself a bit. After all, I don't like to be yelled anymore than my kids do. I bet I'll be less tempted to yell at them if I am talking nicely to myself.

I hope you all find happiness in yourselves today too!

Association (Cherish is the word I use to describe..)

Guess what! I made the very painless switch to the new blogger. I figured I ought to just do it while I had the moment and not wait for the inevitable ultimatum from them. Do it or else you can't log in Muhahahahaha! So, if you notice any problems let me know.

Now to the real post:



Through high school, my best friend's mom sewed. Not just something here and there, she had a part time business where she made dance costumes. My friend would have to help her mom when big orders were due. I'd occasionally pick the stray thread or rhinestone from her clothes. As far as I know they still work this business, but a bit more full time now. When I got married, she was my maid of honor and she made my bridesmaid's dresses as my wedding gift. When I think of sewing I cannot help but have stray thoughts run through my mind about her. They are both excellent seamstresses.

My father was a dentist. I worked with him for a number of years (a decade is a number...). I have also worked in various other dental clinics. I know a lot about the business. Inevitably when I think about my father, who died five years ago, I think about dentistry. After he died, whenever the office where I worked would do denture repairs, the acrylic smell would make me think of my dad. When I was little, he would work on such things on occasion at home. The smell means dad to me. Right after he died, when I would smell it, I would tear up. Others would complain about how nasty it made the office smell, but to me it is a wonderful smell.

My husband works with computers. He has had several different computer positions with the same company for the past 14 years. When we met, we exchanged email addresses and got to know each other through lengthy emails. I would dash into the high tech center at the college I was attending to check and see if he had sent me anything. He would straight out skip class to sit at a computer at the University he was attending to wait for me to reply. We were silly. He is the kind of friend who will spend hours with you solving your computer troubles. (No, I will not give you our phone number...hehe). Computing, emailing and such will always remind me of my dear husband.

I live in Phoenix. I have lived here all of my life. I was born over in John C. Lincoln Hospital. I have visited all of the western states. I have enjoyed northern Arizona's cool greenness. But Phoenix is home. It is a huge place, this Phoenix now. But when I was little, it was much smaller. I have seen this city grow up around me and sometimes I don't recognize her. What with all the violence and depressing stuff in the local news. Despite all that...Phoenix will always be home to me.

There are other places that have strong meanings to me. Seattle means Grandma. Mexico means painting schools (I'll share this story sometime soon). Flagstaff means escape.

Association- the connection or relation of ideas, feelings, sensations, etc.; correlation of elements of perception, reasoning, or the like.

My little boys and I went to the park and met up with some friends today. These wonderful ladies have younger children than I do. So, I ended up giving touches of experiences I have already had with my older children. Mostly, I just explained how I don't stress over things with my little ones like I did with the older ones. Eating vegetables and potty training were the main looks at this. As we were leaving one of my friends called me wise. I said that I didn't think of myself as wise, I've just had experiences they hadn't yet. My friend said isn't that what being wise is all about?

My thoughts this afternoon have been on, how others view me. Who am I in their experiences? Is there something they associate strongly with me? Maybe I'm just the friend with all the kids. I am sure there is something more.

So often when I contemplate how others see me, I am drawn to my imperfections. I magnify in my own thoughts the flaws that I must wave like a flag to the rest of the world. But in reality this isn't how others see me. So, what do I project? I certainly never thought it was wisdom.

So what are your favorite associations you have with people or places?