Depression v. Love

Thank you all for you comments on my last post. They were reassuring and comforting. As an update, my dear friend sent me a note in the mail that arrived Saturday morning. I should have been giving her more credit as a friend. She decided that even if I needed to withdraw, I should still have her encouraging, strengthening words. I am truly blessed to have her friendship.

I keep telling myself I need to change my perspective. If I can see situations from different angles I am more likely to see them as they really are. That is the struggle with depression, my perspective gets narrowed and I only see things from my own distorted mindset.

This weekend, that has been my goal, to shift my point-of-view. It is starting to work. I still find some things (like making phone calls) completely overwhelming. I have, however, found a way to seeing my children as the amazing people they are again. Grumpy mom is really no fun for anyone. This is a great step forward. My patience for my children is one of my gauges for when things are getting bad. The rest of the chaos is easier to put back into order when I allow myself to be filled with love again.

It is really tough to stay depressed when feeling love and compassion for others. Depression is a selfish beast.

So, here's my goal for the week. I will remember, often, how much I love my children. I will remember much I adore my husband. I will remember my sweet friends. I deserve to feel love. It is part of being alive. Most importantly, I deserve to be loved back. What a tremendous feeling to know I really am loved.

A second goal...I will go find something else to write a post about. The only way to do that..is to actually go do things and I am in need of some doing.

Me and Depression, Screwing-up Friendships for Twenty Years and Counting

I sent the email saying Go Ahead! to my hosting service. They sent back a confusing email with already answered questions. UGH! So...my blog has not found its nook on the new server yet. Consider yourselves warned, however, should this amazing place of wisdom become unavailable for a time.

So um...

Depression...well it sucks. Maybe I need to borrow one of my daughter's fairy wands (she has at least seven). Then I can just tap my head, whisper a few magic words and my perspective will magically become all rosy and happy.

The worst part...or maybe the best part...is that life isn't so bad right now. I'm not sure what the trigger for this latest bout has been...maybe it has just been awhile and I was due. Honestly, it is part of being bipolar, no matter how wondrous life is. But, you should be proud of me. I've been battling like crazy. I pretend I'm good until I just can't pretend no more. Sometimes that is what it takes to hold things together until the meds kick in.

Here's the part that is worrying me tho. I have a friend who is fairly new to my emotional vomiting. (Heh. I like that.) I really do quite well most of the time and most people in my life have no clue I can get so wacko. I was supposed to meet her at the park and let our kids play this last week. That morning, I just couldn't. I'd had a couple of tough things happen and I was reduced to painful sobs. You know the kind. I knew that if I didn't call her, she'd stop by after the park to be sure things were ok. I wasn't ok. So, I called...sobbing. But being the nature of such things for me, I didn't know what she could do to help. In fact, I knew I couldn't do much for a little while until it passed. But heavens, can you just imagine it? A respected friend calling to cancel a playdate while sobbing? Of course she wanted to help and I love her for it.

I am really afraid I have hurt her with my insistence that she could not help me. In fact, I am pretty sure it hurt her. I have to go and try to explain/make up. I am afraid I have lost her. (While this may not be logical, it fits with my emotions..).

So, if you are the commenting type...I'd really love some reassurance here.

Also, it occurs me that like most people out there...some who read here may really not completely understand what it means to be bipolar. If you have questions, please ask, I'll answer in an upcoming post. Cuz hey, I didn't know much until I was diagnosed either.