Look What He Did

I woke up early this morning feeling very sick. Let's just call it a fast moving ugly stomach virus. You know exactly what I mean. I stumbled through fixing the kids lunches (thankfully they feed themselves breakfast) and getting them off to school. Then I called my husband at work. I told him how sick I was feeling. He was not just appropriately sympathetic he said he would come home and help out with our little boys. This is a big deal, because I had our only vehicle. He car pools to work and his work is over 20 miles away from our house. I was too sick to drive. That would have been a scary thing. He got a ride home and was here all day helping me out. See, this is what I get for mildly complaining that when he is home it puts me off my routines.

Isn't he the most wonderful man?? Granted, he doesn't always have the flexibility to just leave, but today he could and so he did.

So often on blogs, I see people taking the opportunity to vent and let out the frustrations of their lives. Which is part of what forums like this are all about. Today I am grateful to be on the otherside of such things. I am so thankful to have been married to this wonderful man for the past 11 1/2 years. I am grateful for his love and all his good intentions. He works so hard for us and is almost always willing to talk through disagreements. Occassionally, he even admits I was right. ;-)

I love you, honey.

There's A What!?!?

Last night as my daughter went to wash up the dinner dishes, she turned on the water and then screamed! "THERE'S A SCORPION IN THE SINK!"

um..

Yes, there was a small scorpion in the sink. This is the very first scorpion ever found inside of my home. A neighbor told us six months or so ago that they were having some trouble with little scorpions since the empty lot across the alley was taken over by a nursery. But we had not seen any in our home or in the yard for that matter. I will admit, however, that we did not go looking for them outside. The yard is mostly just dirt because who wants to pay the water bill it would take to keep it green out there?? Anyway, I digress. I am now not willing to send my kids out to play. I watch the floor as I walk through the house. I worry about the baby crawling around the room. He needs to start walking...like NOW and well that putting stuff in his mouth phase? It has to end. I shudder at the thought of ....well I can't even put it in writing..it would just creep me out.

I have lived all my life here in wonderful Arizona where scorpions really are a part of the package. Still, because we have always lived in long-time developed areas it has never been a problem for me or my kids.

So, just imagine, picking up that bowl out of the sink and finding this:



Yeah, you'd freak a bit too.

I hear the little scorpions have a meaner sting than the bigger ones. UGH!
We have a good friend who is a specialist in scorpion termination. He is getting a call this afternoon...yep he is.

Getting Back to Routine

Last week, my husband was home from work. Originally, I was supposed to be going out of town but it didn't work out financially. Husband decided to go ahead and take the week off work anyway since he had already put in for the vacation time. Having him home can be nice, but it also can completely put me off any intended plans..or chores. So, for the most part I tried to let go of the stresses (ha!) and just be with him.

Today, the start of the third week of school, I have finally felt like I am doing what I really do want to do while the kids are at school. I spent time with my little boys. I did dishes and laundry. I felt so darn productive. I am now tired, but it is a good tired.

This last week I've also been dealing with some horrid insomnia. I would pop a couple Tylenol PM, wait an hour, lay down, my eyelids so heavy. Then, I would lay there, my mind wandering around in an exhausted stupor, yet still refusing to let go and let me sleep. Last night, I slept better. Tonight, I expect it to be easier still. Things are getting back to how they should be and that feels so good.

So, after those random thoughts...

**My Favorite Part of Today!!**

I played peek-a-boo with this gorgeous, perfect little boy for at least twenty minutes! We both laughed SO hard.

Revisiting Disorganization

I wrote a post all about my frustrations with my unorganized offspring. It was a heartfelt plea for help. I read the post to my husband before putting it up and he completely agreed with my perspective on the struggles. So, I posted. I then removed it the next day. I almost never remove anything I have posted. After all, this is all me, and I tend to fluctuate in my thoughts and feelings. It would be unreal to take away anything that later I think wasn't the best part of me. I took down the post not because of what it said about me, but what it said about my daughter. I wasn't ugly about her or anything, more I just wasn't very fair.

Funny thing about perspective...it can change when you give it a bit more information.

My 10 yr-old daughter has had a constant struggle with organization. The last two weeks have been in my face reminders of her troubles.

I had the thought. Well, my husband said it first, but I thought about it a lot afterward. I was talking about how I remember how hard it was to be orderly as a child. How maybe we have been too tough on our little girl. He said "It makes you think doesn't it. How Heavenly Father is probably watching us and wondering, 'I wish they could see how easy it can be...'." (Some of the same words we'd just been using to describe our feelings about our daughter..)

I then added..."Yeah, I bet my mom watches me sometimes and just holds her tongue." (Mom, if you are reading this...thanks for holding your tongue. Some lessons really are best learned the hard way.)

See..it is all about perspective.

I worry about my kids. I worry about the future that is before them. It isn't going to be easy for them. There is so much chaos in the world. So, I stress self-control, self-awareness, and self-order. Those things will give them power over themselves in future difficult situations. I so truly want them to trust themselves. To trust that they are able to be aware and to make the very best decisions for themselves.

Part of being bipolar is that there have been times in my life when I stopped being completely able to have that self control. Spontaneity in such moments would get me into some pretty big trouble. I have a greater awareness of when my motivations are in question, but it is still horribly frustrating to look back and see moments when that awareness wavers.

I don't want my daughter to make my mistakes. I want to empower her. I want her to see how amazing she can be.

I've just been a little to focused on a too small part of the whole. Time again to try to help her learn self-organization another way. Someday, something will click in her and it will work. Moreso, I have to trust her to be the amazing person she is. Who she is, and who she KNOWS she is, is so much more important than a organized bedroom.

I am a Geek..and I married one too

Your Geek Profile:

Internet Geekiness: High Music Geekiness: High Academic Geekiness: Moderate Geekiness in Love: Moderate Fashion Geekiness: Low Gamer Geekiness: Low General Geekiness: Low Movie Geekiness: Low SciFi Geekiness: Low

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I'm Not Lazy, I'm Thinking!

My mind is swirled. You know, like McDonald's icecream cone twists? Half of me is feeling one way and the other half is quite opposite. Hey, it's like I'm bipolar or something..LOL. Anyway, there are probably additional halves to my emotional color scheme but they are being overshadowed right now.

Do you ever have conversations with yourself in your mind? I have this one voice that sounds very parental. Always saying things like: "Oshee, you really should get up and do something, instead of sit here reading blogs all afternoon." I have gotten pretty good at ignoring that voice over the years. Then it starts to send me images. Like that of me doing dishes, or picking up a messy living room. Horrible, I know. So, eventually, I give in and just do what I know I should do, or what is best for me. Sometimes, I debate this voice in my head, but you know, when you debate yourself, you always lose...or I suppose you always win, but that isn't how it feels.

So, I just caught up on my blog reading. I felt so good to join my blogfriends in their lives for a little while. Now, I want to write. Well, I've been wanting..feeling the need...longing..to write for some time. That is another of those voices in my head. "So, many ideas, wouldn't it feel wonderful to sit down and just write?" but then I actually sit down...and the ideas all vanish because that other voice..you know the stern one...haunts me. LOL I haunt myself! This is great!

By the end of this post, all readers should vote in my comments if they think I sound more schizophrenic then bipolar. heh

Where was I? Oh yeah, all twisted up feeling. So, I have this need to write. My writing class is starting on Thursday. My mind is so excited. I had all these wonderful plans to write and begin submitting for to publishers this summer, but it didn't happen. What happened instead? Motherhood happened..lots of laundry..lots of dishes..lots of hugs and cheering for swimming stuff...but not much writing. I decided a couple of weeks ago, I was really ok with it being pushed aside because after all, my kids are so much more important. My kid's school started last week and no writing is happening. Even this blog suffered over the summer. I love the feel of the words pouring out of my fingers and onto the computer screen. Taking my thoughts and typing them out has such a beautiful rhythm to it.

Then the voice starts up. "Don't you have dishes to do? Isn't that your 2 year-old waking from his nap? Remember, you husband won't be home tonight..."

Anxiety is not my friend.

So, when my class starts up on Thursday, I hope be be able to quiet my interal hall moniter. Afterall, I'll then get to be nagged (by myself) to do my homework. Lovely wonderful writing homework. See..I can force myself to do what I really want to do sometimes. It's like tricking myself to be happy.

These Kids Today.....

Yesterday, I went down to the college to sign up for my writing class. I had to stop my the instructors office, pick up the form to get me into the closed course and then go and in person register. I stood in line for about 30 minutes before it was my turn. This 30 minutes helped me gain a new understanding of how, not 'with it' I am. I am officially...an adult. Not just an adult...but a parent type adult. I found myself mentally rolling my eyes so much it gave me a headache.
Let me share more of this experience.

I entered the building and went straight to the correct line. I stood there holding my papers firmly and minding my own business. I started watching the clock as I blissfully ignored everyone around me. As the minutes passed with nary a move in the line I started to notice the body art all filling the room. I was most fascinated with one young man two people ahead of me in line. I mentally traced the two large black stars. One over each of his ELBOWS. Really just big old stars like this:



Really, just black outlines of five-point stars. I suppose he will never lose his elbows that way. He can look and say, "yep, those are mine!" It made no sense to me. I then of course had to examine the other 20 or so tattoos covering his arms and neck and right behind his ears. He had a gun pointing from his elbow to his wrist. This one looked like a gun, but what was he trying to tell me about himself with it? Hmm? See, I started to psycho analyze the tattoos. Right next to one of the gigantic stars was a skull with crossbones. Um.. I think I drew things very similar on myself with ball-point pen when I was like in the fourth grade. I got in a lot of trouble for coloring on my arms and legs too. Really, it was a horrid rendition of a skull with crossbones. The lines were unsteady and would fade in and out. Not fade in and out as if intentional, the pattern of it was random. The shapes were uneven. I felt really sorry for the guy. I wondered if he had done it to himself with a very shaking right hand. Oh, and behind one ear? A poorly shaded club. Like from a deck of cards club. Then some random tribal art around his neck. It was all done in outlines other than the black shading on the club. I could have used him as a coloring book. But he was too far up, the lady in front of me probably would have not appreciated me stepping ahead of her.

So, here I was letting my mind wander about this man's choices of permanently imprinting odd images on himself and behind me I hear two young ladies talking about signing up for classes. In one of my glances away from bodyart man I noticed the tall brunette had her arms wrapped tightly around the petite blond girl. Alright, very good friends they must be. But as the line inched forward, they stopped talking and started making-out. Yes, they were smooching and moaning in the line to register for classes. I didn't have the nerve to turn and look to see how much groping was going on. But based on the stares from those at the registration desk something more must have been happening. I laughed quietly to myself. I felt like I was in the midst of a sideshow and didn't know my part in it. The slurping ended when the girls were joined by a young man with a spiked up mohawk. I remember those from the 80's, when they really made a statement. He started talking to the girls and I SWEAR he talked JUST like Owen Wilson when he is playing the idiot in a movie. You know with that drawl that speaks being high and of just not knowing what is going on. Now to top it off..guess what they started talking about....

JonBenet Ramsey of course!

In the room they had televisions set up showing CNN. No sound, but I suppose it gave all the waiting people something to watch. A picture of the man who has confessed to killing (or whatever it really is he has confessed to...) the little girl. They finally remember the name of the little girl and decided that it had been 'like' 15 years since she was killed. (It's really been almost 10..) The guy's point of reference for such things?
He said, "Oh hey, Alex was like not around when that happened."
One of the girls said back, "Oh your boyfriend is 15?"
Guy said, "No, he's 16 now."
Other girl said, "Oh, does that make it legal?"
Guy, "No.."
First girl, "You just tell yourself he's 16 now to make yourself feel better don't you.."
Guy, "Yeah..I do."

WHAT???
Can you see how I am feeling really old by this point??? Thankfully about six people finish up at the registration desks and the line moved forward quickly at this point. Look I don't care if you go cover yourself in tattoos or if you are a lesbian. But if your bodyart is horrid and you make out in a registration line you will be laughed at, even if it is under my breath as I walk away.

Jumping Through Hoops

I went to sign up for a writing class yesterday. I had looked at the class through the online registration option last week and it was still available. Yesterday, however, it was closed. I had procrastinated for too long. Funny how that happens. Things in life get crazy and the thing I was planning for myself was the first thing to get pushed aside. This isn't the end of the story tho. Today I emailed the teacher of the course (she's been my teacher before) and she is happily giving me an override and helping me into the class. She's funny. She always jokes that I have nineteen children. (Really just five for those new visitors...). I am so grateful to her. This was the class I really wanted to take. I am looking forward to the push to get writing again. So, now instead of registering online, I get to drive the fifteen miles to the college to pick up the form and register. It should be a fun field trip for me and my littlest boys. Class starts just next week, so wish me luck!

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UPDATE:
The baby has an ear infection (which is what I feared). It is a secondary infection caused by the cold. While it is sad he is still sick, the other kids who have caught it are getting over it much quicker.

I'm Back?

Today is the first day of school.

What a crazy ride these past two weeks have been.

This last week I realized something as I was rocking my feverish baby at 3am. I realized I've been lonely. It is interesting how different being lonely, and being alone are from each other. In the past couple of weeks I think my calmest moments have been while alone. I did escape the chaos here for short trips to the store and once I even went to a movie...all by myself! The peace I found while alone was so important, but that is different from the support I've felt lacking. Escaping and being supported are both necessary, just at different times.

I've missed writing. Even the little posts I do here. I've missed the feel of order that comes when I think something out in this way. I miss the feeling of creation. I get that feeling when looking at a new post here. That I've done something. I've placed a bit of myself out there in the best way I could find. The rhythm of writing will be a welcome friend of again.

I've missed my readers here. I've missed the comments. Each comment really is a little boost that keeps my desire to create, to write, flowing. I've missed reading. I have gone days without as much as checking my email. I enjoy reading well-written perspectives and I look forward to nap time this afternoon so that I can sit and read and catch up with some amazing people.

I think I should create a line of T-Shirts that say "I Survived ____________". Then just make velcro pieces to fit over the blank space. They can say things like "Swim Lessons" and "A Summer in Phoenix" and "Motherhood" or maybe just things like "Yesterday" or "Last Week" or "The Doctor's Appointment". Ha! The Doctor's Appointment makes me laugh. I took the now one year-old in for his well-check last week. The next day he started running a fever. Been six days now and the fever hasn't gone away. I'd happily just pay for the second visit without the baby getting sick ya-know. But we go back this afternoon to make sure the cold hasn't turned into something worse. This time he will stay on my lap and not touch anything in the exam room! Course I'm going to have to take all the other kids with me. Wish me luck. I'd hate to have a new disease start up tomorrow.