A Little Lost
Lately, I feel like I've lost myself.
More so, I feel like I've been looking for myself and not finding what I expected. This blog is filled with post after post of me searching for the same thing. Me, trying to communicate some thought some idea as authentically me as possible.
I stopped blogging recently. Not out of a conscious choice, but out of distraction with other things. That is how my life feels right now, distracted.
Today I spent some time speaking with a friend. He has had a most interesting life. He has traveled extensively and gotten to learn and study and teach some extraordinary things. His story is important because listening to his excitement and energy for his life sent me through a whole myriad of thoughts and emotions. I thought about how I want to learn so many of the same things. I want to travel everywhere and learn about cultures and languages.
But, then I started thinking about my other goals too. My goals for my children. My goals for the type of mother I want to be. Goals for my education and intellectual growth. I have felt so much like somebody went and pushed pause on my life. I have been stagnant. I have been wallowing in my own mediocrity and then trying to find reasons to escape it all.
I am a wife, daughter, sister and mother. I am the mother of five children. I am a stay at home mother of five children. Somewhere lost in all of that is a woman, an individual. I've been going about reconnecting with myself all wrong. I've stopped doing the things that free me to be me, because in so many ways I thought those things were preventing it. So, my worries about the homework, the housework, the volunteer responsibilities have been tremendous because I have fought doing them. They have felt burdensome. When the honest truth is, when I face those burdens and attack them with energy and happiness, they are lighter and much easier to accomplish.
So there it is. The true way to not lose myself..is to face the struggles instead of escape them.
I think I'll return to blogland now.
More so, I feel like I've been looking for myself and not finding what I expected. This blog is filled with post after post of me searching for the same thing. Me, trying to communicate some thought some idea as authentically me as possible.
I stopped blogging recently. Not out of a conscious choice, but out of distraction with other things. That is how my life feels right now, distracted.
Today I spent some time speaking with a friend. He has had a most interesting life. He has traveled extensively and gotten to learn and study and teach some extraordinary things. His story is important because listening to his excitement and energy for his life sent me through a whole myriad of thoughts and emotions. I thought about how I want to learn so many of the same things. I want to travel everywhere and learn about cultures and languages.
But, then I started thinking about my other goals too. My goals for my children. My goals for the type of mother I want to be. Goals for my education and intellectual growth. I have felt so much like somebody went and pushed pause on my life. I have been stagnant. I have been wallowing in my own mediocrity and then trying to find reasons to escape it all.
I am a wife, daughter, sister and mother. I am the mother of five children. I am a stay at home mother of five children. Somewhere lost in all of that is a woman, an individual. I've been going about reconnecting with myself all wrong. I've stopped doing the things that free me to be me, because in so many ways I thought those things were preventing it. So, my worries about the homework, the housework, the volunteer responsibilities have been tremendous because I have fought doing them. They have felt burdensome. When the honest truth is, when I face those burdens and attack them with energy and happiness, they are lighter and much easier to accomplish.
So there it is. The true way to not lose myself..is to face the struggles instead of escape them.
I think I'll return to blogland now.
Labels: Me
posted by oshee | 8:06 PM
7 Comments:
I'm glad you are finding a path back to yourself, Oshee.
You're among friends because Most of us feel pretty mediocre most of the time. You are also in a time of life when a part of you needs to be sacrificed for others. But that will eventually change too.
I feel like I could have written this post. Well, except for the whole five children thing.
I hope we're both able to find our way back to our true selves. I'll be watching your journey and here with bottled water and a compass if needed. ;-)
Welcome back. I have missed you.
Did you by any chance find ME while you were looking for you?
I'm out there somewhere, not sure where.
I am glad you are back!
I lost myself to...in the town we just moved from. I literally lost who I was, what I was all about. I had tried to fit in with my friends, and in the process buried all the things that made me me!
I am finding myself in our new town, and feel so very happy.
Hugs, and welcome back!
I think that this a problem that all mothers face. While we do our best to raise our children it is easy to ignore ourselves. I think you are right, sometimes it's easier to ignore than confront. Happy new year to you oshee.
You've been away for a while. I hooe things are going well or better than maybe in this last post.
(I'm just popping in on a few old blogging friends to say Happy New Year.)
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