Me and Depression, Screwing-up Friendships for Twenty Years and Counting
I sent the email saying Go Ahead! to my hosting service. They sent back a confusing email with already answered questions. UGH! So...my blog has not found its nook on the new server yet. Consider yourselves warned, however, should this amazing place of wisdom become unavailable for a time.
So um...
Depression...well it sucks. Maybe I need to borrow one of my daughter's fairy wands (she has at least seven). Then I can just tap my head, whisper a few magic words and my perspective will magically become all rosy and happy.
The worst part...or maybe the best part...is that life isn't so bad right now. I'm not sure what the trigger for this latest bout has been...maybe it has just been awhile and I was due. Honestly, it is part of being bipolar, no matter how wondrous life is. But, you should be proud of me. I've been battling like crazy. I pretend I'm good until I just can't pretend no more. Sometimes that is what it takes to hold things together until the meds kick in.
Here's the part that is worrying me tho. I have a friend who is fairly new to my emotional vomiting. (Heh. I like that.) I really do quite well most of the time and most people in my life have no clue I can get so wacko. I was supposed to meet her at the park and let our kids play this last week. That morning, I just couldn't. I'd had a couple of tough things happen and I was reduced to painful sobs. You know the kind. I knew that if I didn't call her, she'd stop by after the park to be sure things were ok. I wasn't ok. So, I called...sobbing. But being the nature of such things for me, I didn't know what she could do to help. In fact, I knew I couldn't do much for a little while until it passed. But heavens, can you just imagine it? A respected friend calling to cancel a playdate while sobbing? Of course she wanted to help and I love her for it.
I am really afraid I have hurt her with my insistence that she could not help me. In fact, I am pretty sure it hurt her. I have to go and try to explain/make up. I am afraid I have lost her. (While this may not be logical, it fits with my emotions..).
So, if you are the commenting type...I'd really love some reassurance here.
Also, it occurs me that like most people out there...some who read here may really not completely understand what it means to be bipolar. If you have questions, please ask, I'll answer in an upcoming post. Cuz hey, I didn't know much until I was diagnosed either.
So um...
Depression...well it sucks. Maybe I need to borrow one of my daughter's fairy wands (she has at least seven). Then I can just tap my head, whisper a few magic words and my perspective will magically become all rosy and happy.
The worst part...or maybe the best part...is that life isn't so bad right now. I'm not sure what the trigger for this latest bout has been...maybe it has just been awhile and I was due. Honestly, it is part of being bipolar, no matter how wondrous life is. But, you should be proud of me. I've been battling like crazy. I pretend I'm good until I just can't pretend no more. Sometimes that is what it takes to hold things together until the meds kick in.
Here's the part that is worrying me tho. I have a friend who is fairly new to my emotional vomiting. (Heh. I like that.) I really do quite well most of the time and most people in my life have no clue I can get so wacko. I was supposed to meet her at the park and let our kids play this last week. That morning, I just couldn't. I'd had a couple of tough things happen and I was reduced to painful sobs. You know the kind. I knew that if I didn't call her, she'd stop by after the park to be sure things were ok. I wasn't ok. So, I called...sobbing. But being the nature of such things for me, I didn't know what she could do to help. In fact, I knew I couldn't do much for a little while until it passed. But heavens, can you just imagine it? A respected friend calling to cancel a playdate while sobbing? Of course she wanted to help and I love her for it.
I am really afraid I have hurt her with my insistence that she could not help me. In fact, I am pretty sure it hurt her. I have to go and try to explain/make up. I am afraid I have lost her. (While this may not be logical, it fits with my emotions..).
So, if you are the commenting type...I'd really love some reassurance here.
Also, it occurs me that like most people out there...some who read here may really not completely understand what it means to be bipolar. If you have questions, please ask, I'll answer in an upcoming post. Cuz hey, I didn't know much until I was diagnosed either.
Labels: Bipolar, Depression, Me
8 Comments:
Kudos to you for facing it. So many people have it and don't know it. I believe my wife shows many symptoms consistent with BD....so does my mother. Perhaps your friend would find any mood swings you may happen to experience in her presence more understandable along with your insistance that there is nothing she can do to help, less offensive if she were familiar with the disorder.
You seem to be quite at ease discussing it here. That is to be commended. Have you been as forthcoming with her? If she is truly worthy to be called a friend, she should have no problem giving you space when you need it and understanding that you may need that space a little more often than the average person. I'll bet that she understands.
I'm not sure that my wife has been completely honest with her doctor regarding her depressive states. He's medically treating her for depression, which has definitely made a difference, but the swings, though less frequent, are still quite dramatic.
My mother, on the other hand is not medicated for anything other than various physical ailments and has frequent and dramatic shifts in mood. She'll be up at 2am scrubbing this or painting that one night then, reclusive and locked up in her room in the next. She always says its because she doesn't feel well. That may be so, but its just to frequent to be general malaise in my opinion. I think she's learned to cope with the depressive phases by overmedicating with muscle relaxers and sleep meds and just sleeping through them. It's sad to watch, but she'll not even discuss the fact that she may be in need of some assessment by a doctor who may looking for something other than what happens to be physically bothering her today.
I'm not quite sure how to discuss it with either of them without being offensive. It would be much easier if they both realized that something is wrong. I'm not quite sure how they can't see it.
Well, I hope that fairy wand is doing the trick. I wouldn't know how to help much either even with a peripheral understanding thanks to my loving sister.
Big Joe
Try explaining it to her sometime when you're in good shape. When you do, try being vulnerable and being honest about what the friendship means to you.
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!
I am sorry you are so sad right now.
I wish I had a magic wand for you! Instead, I will send you some cyber hugs and let you know I am thinking of you!
I think that if you explain your condition to her, that she will understand. At least, I am thinking that if she doesn't then she isn't really much of a friend.
She probably just feels rejected as a source of comfort, and you are the best person to explain that isn't really the truth. Good luck!
If you'd called me in the same circumstances . . . I'd just want you to tell me (later) what's up. I promise I'd understand.
I think she will understand.
And, if not right away, someday something will happen to her that she doesn't understand and she will remember that YOU understand about difficult times.
Hang on, better times are coming.
(or, so i've been told!)
I read your latest post first.
Good friends will understand.
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