Hiding in My Hole
As a teen, I loved this song, "Forever Young" by Alphaville.
I found the idea of staying young forever very romantic. At the time, growing older was a very strange idea. Time passed excruciatingly slow. The thought of being married and having kids was overwhelming. So much so, that I would push it out of my thoughts and remind myself how it will never come.
I set myself up for who I am today. I would push even the thought of realistic future stress away so well that I did very little planning and deciding who I really wanted to be as an adult.
As a kid, I did dream of my future. I remember watching Mary Lou Retton at the 1984 Olympics and I was sure I needed to become a gymnast. By the age of 13 I reached my full height, 5'10" (1.79 meters for my metric friends). But at eight years-old none could convince me it was not to be.
I've always known I wanted to be mother. Nothing has been more rewarding in my life than my amazing kids. I just find myself wishing that I hadn't been so sure I was going to be Forever Young. I wish I had figured out more of who I wanted to be outside of motherhood.
Ok, all this is pretty random. I've been battling depression and migraines....again. I give into their power far too often. I have intents and desires but I am struggling to turn them into action.
I wasn't so good with understanding anything about balance as a kid, as a teen, or young adult, literally and figuratively. When my little world feels like it is closing in on me and darkness and hopelessness are in easy reach, it is easy to believe I will forever be just who and where I am right now.
Heh..All this is me..where I am right now. I've held back from posting because I knew it would come out rather scattered and pathetic. I feel ashamed of being myself. I miss feeling young.
I found the idea of staying young forever very romantic. At the time, growing older was a very strange idea. Time passed excruciatingly slow. The thought of being married and having kids was overwhelming. So much so, that I would push it out of my thoughts and remind myself how it will never come.
I set myself up for who I am today. I would push even the thought of realistic future stress away so well that I did very little planning and deciding who I really wanted to be as an adult.
As a kid, I did dream of my future. I remember watching Mary Lou Retton at the 1984 Olympics and I was sure I needed to become a gymnast. By the age of 13 I reached my full height, 5'10" (1.79 meters for my metric friends). But at eight years-old none could convince me it was not to be.
I've always known I wanted to be mother. Nothing has been more rewarding in my life than my amazing kids. I just find myself wishing that I hadn't been so sure I was going to be Forever Young. I wish I had figured out more of who I wanted to be outside of motherhood.
Ok, all this is pretty random. I've been battling depression and migraines....again. I give into their power far too often. I have intents and desires but I am struggling to turn them into action.
I wasn't so good with understanding anything about balance as a kid, as a teen, or young adult, literally and figuratively. When my little world feels like it is closing in on me and darkness and hopelessness are in easy reach, it is easy to believe I will forever be just who and where I am right now.
Heh..All this is me..where I am right now. I've held back from posting because I knew it would come out rather scattered and pathetic. I feel ashamed of being myself. I miss feeling young.
Labels: Me
4 Comments:
Great song!
I hope you can get through this, Oshee.
I have faith you will get through this.
Hugs and take care of yourself.
Ann
I hear you. Sometimes it's hard to come to grips with this aging thing when we still feel young in our heads.
Hang in there.
Oh, Oshee. I hope this passes soon.
I have SO been there.
If it's any help, it DOES pass.
It does.
Hang on to that.
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