stream of consciousness and some such stuff

I remember when I was a kid. Under the age of ten type of kid. I remember having a very difficult time waiting for things. After no more than two minutes I would feel like bugs were crawling on my legs and I would have to start moving. Church was tough too. In fact, I remember when I was finally old enough (or was is smart enough?) to sit through church and actually listen to everything that was said. I remember finding it so fascinating that finally they started saying interesting things from the pulpit. Heh.

My kids aren't really any better at waiting for things. So, if something fun/amazing/wonderful is coming up, I tend not to tell them until it is almost upon us. Keeps their lives hoping I guess.

I'm pretty good at waiting now. As long as I haven't much anxiety tearing at me anyway.

Anxiety sucks. Being the bipolar goddess that I am, I have come to think of my anxiety as the cherry on top of it all.

Did you know sometimes I don't answer the phone, even tho I am home? Or, I make my husband make phone calls..or write emails for me?

Eventually tho, the anxiety morphs into exhaustion. (Shhh..don't tell me it is just a form of depression..it is easy to think of it as just being tired...)

When anxious, but completely unmotivated, it is like waiting for something for so long I stop caring so much whether or not it happens. But I am left with the nagging feeling that I should be worried about something.

Anyway, this is pretty stupid.

I crashed a bit after the holidays. Hid out..being sick helped give me the excuse I needed to keep it up longer than I was actually physically ill. It is tough to explain to people..people I would never want to disappoint that my desire/fear/whatever not to make contact...not to do much of anything..really does win sometime...(often at times like this..).

As a result...I find it difficult to think of something to write about. I think about something but then can't find the energy to make the words all work together. To make it seem interesting..when really it probably isn't anyway.

But I still have the desire to write..whether because I really want to connect with people again, or simply because it is one of those responsibilities that continues to nag the back of my mind..(thank you anxiety...).

I'll snap out of this soon enough...it is supposed to rain this weekend...that'll either hurt or help anyway. I've yet to meet a bipolar person not affected by the weather. After all, all those 'normal' people out there are emotionally affected by weather, why shouldn't all we 'clinically diagnosed' people be affected?

So, anyway, I think I will actually post this random, stream of consciousness thing I've typed here. Maybe I can use it later as an example on one of my scatterbrained moments. Heh

Oh I guess I could update some of the stuff that was happening with me not to long ago.

I finished my class...got an A...altho the class got hard to follow through with in the end so I wonder how much of that A I really deserve.

Um..Cub Scouts took several weeks off, while the boys were out of school for break. But it returns tomorrow...which means I gotta come up with something for them to do. Because...those boys...are near the top of my people I can't disappoint list. So, I'll be there...

Riding out mild depression really is like that. Pick the battles carefully. Find the ones that really do matter most and win them...like those Cub Scouts. They deserve a win. Let things go for a bit, that really can. (You should see my bedroom...heh..)

The next soccer season sign ups are next week. I don't know yet if I will be coaching. Depends how long the funk lasts probably. Maybe I'll just help my sister out if she decides to coach.

My kids got their report cards. The younger two did great....the oldest...did better. Her struggles for now really seem to be improving. She..she is another one of those battle..her homework is anyway. And for now, I am winning that battle. She deserves it.

My 6 yr-old little fire cracker of a daughter's birthday is on Sunday. I will post about her. Thinking about her makes me happy.

Finally...it sucks when I can't find the Advil. Just so ya know.