My Old Nemesis

I remember a conversation I had with my mom when I was 12 or 13. Her words are still very clear in my thoughts and they have often returned to me over the years as I encounter new or difficult situations. Now, this doesn't mean I am always so diligent with following the advice, but it has certainly helped me.

It was an odd conversation. One that you can't really script of predict. The family was all sitting in our van waiting for my dad who had run into a store or a house or something. So, we were sitting, waiting, bored. We started asking my mom questions. I don't remember what the other kids asked or said, but my question was (something like..):

"Mom, what is my biggest fault or weakness?"

Whoa! As a mom now myself I think, my poor mom, what a horrible question to have thrown at you by an emotional young teen. However, my mom being the amazing woman she is, had the right answer. See, I wouldn't have believed her if she had said nothing, you're wonderful, or if she had said something about keeping my room clean. What she told me was (something like..):

"You sometimes give up and don't try something new because you are afraid. Your fear of failure prevents you from having some interesting experiences."

Isn't that an amazing answer? It was so totally not on my radar as one of my biggest weaknesses. I didn't realize I was choosing not to do things like that. As I thought about it afterward, I knew she was correct and decided I needed to stop letting my fear determine my choices. I haven't been perfect with this but there is a whole list of things I may never have enjoyed through high school if I had not become aware of this limitation.

As I've become more self-analytical and self-aware, I have come to understand there is a lot more to the fear than fear of failure. I have a fear of disappointing other people which is a bit out of proportion to what should be, sometimes. So, in a way I fear a form of social failure.

Yesterday, as I was finally finishing up my homework for my writing class, I realized this old fear had been suffocating me all week as anxiety ruled me and I didn't write anything. In fact, after I had gotten the small scene written, I still had to call my husband over to read through it and tell me it was okay that I wrote about something rather unpleasant. That I wasn't disappointing him. Logic was screaming at me telling me it was crazy for me to think I wasn't allowed to write about anything I wanted. All the while, my heart was trembling in irrational fear. The combination was rather nauseating.

In the time it took my husband to read through the paper, it came to me. My mom's words echoed through my mind once again. I have recommitted myself to not be afraid of creating. I can write about whatever I want and it DOES NOT have to be perfect the first time. (I tend to over edit as I write.) I think I have found my writing nemesis. My self editor. I will continue to tell myself I am free to do what I want with this. I do not have to fear disappointing my teacher. In fact, she would likely be more disappointed if I overly censored myself.

((As as side note, the scene what supposed to emphasize characterizations. In class, we were put into groups and then the assignments were collected, then passed back out randomly. Each group read the four scenes they were given and chose the best one that followed the assignment to read to the class. The group that read mine chose to read it and I received some great positive feedback. If I had listened to my fears, I never would have turned it in and I would have missed that great opportunity. My mom is SO right sometimes. ;-]))