Revisiting Disorganization
I wrote a post all about my frustrations with my unorganized offspring. It was a heartfelt plea for help. I read the post to my husband before putting it up and he completely agreed with my perspective on the struggles. So, I posted. I then removed it the next day. I almost never remove anything I have posted. After all, this is all me, and I tend to fluctuate in my thoughts and feelings. It would be unreal to take away anything that later I think wasn't the best part of me. I took down the post not because of what it said about me, but what it said about my daughter. I wasn't ugly about her or anything, more I just wasn't very fair.
Funny thing about perspective...it can change when you give it a bit more information.
My 10 yr-old daughter has had a constant struggle with organization. The last two weeks have been in my face reminders of her troubles.
I had the thought. Well, my husband said it first, but I thought about it a lot afterward. I was talking about how I remember how hard it was to be orderly as a child. How maybe we have been too tough on our little girl. He said "It makes you think doesn't it. How Heavenly Father is probably watching us and wondering, 'I wish they could see how easy it can be...'." (Some of the same words we'd just been using to describe our feelings about our daughter..)
I then added..."Yeah, I bet my mom watches me sometimes and just holds her tongue." (Mom, if you are reading this...thanks for holding your tongue. Some lessons really are best learned the hard way.)
See..it is all about perspective.
I worry about my kids. I worry about the future that is before them. It isn't going to be easy for them. There is so much chaos in the world. So, I stress self-control, self-awareness, and self-order. Those things will give them power over themselves in future difficult situations. I so truly want them to trust themselves. To trust that they are able to be aware and to make the very best decisions for themselves.
Part of being bipolar is that there have been times in my life when I stopped being completely able to have that self control. Spontaneity in such moments would get me into some pretty big trouble. I have a greater awareness of when my motivations are in question, but it is still horribly frustrating to look back and see moments when that awareness wavers.
I don't want my daughter to make my mistakes. I want to empower her. I want her to see how amazing she can be.
I've just been a little to focused on a too small part of the whole. Time again to try to help her learn self-organization another way. Someday, something will click in her and it will work. Moreso, I have to trust her to be the amazing person she is. Who she is, and who she KNOWS she is, is so much more important than a organized bedroom.
Funny thing about perspective...it can change when you give it a bit more information.
My 10 yr-old daughter has had a constant struggle with organization. The last two weeks have been in my face reminders of her troubles.
I had the thought. Well, my husband said it first, but I thought about it a lot afterward. I was talking about how I remember how hard it was to be orderly as a child. How maybe we have been too tough on our little girl. He said "It makes you think doesn't it. How Heavenly Father is probably watching us and wondering, 'I wish they could see how easy it can be...'." (Some of the same words we'd just been using to describe our feelings about our daughter..)
I then added..."Yeah, I bet my mom watches me sometimes and just holds her tongue." (Mom, if you are reading this...thanks for holding your tongue. Some lessons really are best learned the hard way.)
See..it is all about perspective.
I worry about my kids. I worry about the future that is before them. It isn't going to be easy for them. There is so much chaos in the world. So, I stress self-control, self-awareness, and self-order. Those things will give them power over themselves in future difficult situations. I so truly want them to trust themselves. To trust that they are able to be aware and to make the very best decisions for themselves.
Part of being bipolar is that there have been times in my life when I stopped being completely able to have that self control. Spontaneity in such moments would get me into some pretty big trouble. I have a greater awareness of when my motivations are in question, but it is still horribly frustrating to look back and see moments when that awareness wavers.
I don't want my daughter to make my mistakes. I want to empower her. I want her to see how amazing she can be.
I've just been a little to focused on a too small part of the whole. Time again to try to help her learn self-organization another way. Someday, something will click in her and it will work. Moreso, I have to trust her to be the amazing person she is. Who she is, and who she KNOWS she is, is so much more important than a organized bedroom.
7 Comments:
I don't want my daughter to make my mistakes.
I think that every parent has said this. But they seem to have to make their own mistakes whether they're similar to yours or not. Somehow, they eventually learn from these mistakes, but they do seem to have to make them first. That's my experience anyway.
Keep it simple honey,
She's the oldest girl, right?
I was the oldest girl. So even though I was only, whatever age, I was always the oldest and the expectations were that I would be ahead of my siblings.
Although my parents were great I recall the anthem....You are the oldest, you should......
Teenage girls in myxperience get worse.
Be prepared!!
I think it's great that you are trying to not push her, but to help her learn. One thing that I though of when I read your fist post, was lists. Maya makes lists for herself, it helps her organize her world...now she is a little anal about it, but she has different issues. But making a list helps a lot of people. And lets say it was for cleaning her room...start simple..pick up shoes and then pick up dolls and add on there where to put them. SHe'll get there eventually. And also try to remember that she is only ten. And ten is not really that old. :)
Isn't it great how sometimes a conversation can put things in perspective? I have a tendency to fret about things (particularly with my girls) and sometimes 5 minutes talking with another person can make me see things in a different light.
I do remember my own preteen self, and I was pretty messy. It's good to think about that and remember back to our own past -- I hope when the time comes I'll be able to give my girls a break on the organizational front. (but I bet I'll struggle just as you have until I remember this conversation!)
Funny - I read part of your initial post, thought "she must be talking about MY daughter", then I ran out of time to finish it and thought I'd go back later and comment. But then the post disappeared and I wondered if I'd been dreaming - or maybe channeling my own thoughts on you. :-)
My nine-year-old is quite disorganized, and one of the most commonly heard phrases around here is "Julie! Focus!" Her older sister is a lot more organized, but she faces other challenges (eg. she worries more) that her younger sister doesn't face. So I just try to relax and let them turn out to be the people they are meant to be. Easier said than done though. :-)
Elcie's six grade teacher used to carry on about Elcie's lack of a system for her desk and backpack.
So did I. It was her teacher who realized first that Elcie could immediately put her hands on any paper the teacher asked for. Whatever her system was (and if would have driven me nuts) it worked for her.
This year, she has suddenly become much neater all on her own.
Believe me, this is a constant with us. The other day, we were hosting a shower and my son's room had stacks of stuff on his dresser and work table. Instead of hastling him...I just opened the nearest drawer and pushed everything in it. He later questioned my actions and I just said..."I've told you many times to take care of this...so I took care of this for you." Of course it had no order to it, but if he wants order, then he will have to get in there and take care of it. As to our older "girls" rooms, I just shut the door. They are responsible for their own laundry so if their room is messy and they don't have undies...oh well. The rooms get cleaned when they are restricted from going anywhere until they are visibly clean. (If they stuff it under the bed...it's okay with me as long as it is not food.)
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