I'm Not Lazy, I'm Thinking!

My mind is swirled. You know, like McDonald's icecream cone twists? Half of me is feeling one way and the other half is quite opposite. Hey, it's like I'm bipolar or something..LOL. Anyway, there are probably additional halves to my emotional color scheme but they are being overshadowed right now.

Do you ever have conversations with yourself in your mind? I have this one voice that sounds very parental. Always saying things like: "Oshee, you really should get up and do something, instead of sit here reading blogs all afternoon." I have gotten pretty good at ignoring that voice over the years. Then it starts to send me images. Like that of me doing dishes, or picking up a messy living room. Horrible, I know. So, eventually, I give in and just do what I know I should do, or what is best for me. Sometimes, I debate this voice in my head, but you know, when you debate yourself, you always lose...or I suppose you always win, but that isn't how it feels.

So, I just caught up on my blog reading. I felt so good to join my blogfriends in their lives for a little while. Now, I want to write. Well, I've been wanting..feeling the need...longing..to write for some time. That is another of those voices in my head. "So, many ideas, wouldn't it feel wonderful to sit down and just write?" but then I actually sit down...and the ideas all vanish because that other voice..you know the stern one...haunts me. LOL I haunt myself! This is great!

By the end of this post, all readers should vote in my comments if they think I sound more schizophrenic then bipolar. heh

Where was I? Oh yeah, all twisted up feeling. So, I have this need to write. My writing class is starting on Thursday. My mind is so excited. I had all these wonderful plans to write and begin submitting for to publishers this summer, but it didn't happen. What happened instead? Motherhood happened..lots of laundry..lots of dishes..lots of hugs and cheering for swimming stuff...but not much writing. I decided a couple of weeks ago, I was really ok with it being pushed aside because after all, my kids are so much more important. My kid's school started last week and no writing is happening. Even this blog suffered over the summer. I love the feel of the words pouring out of my fingers and onto the computer screen. Taking my thoughts and typing them out has such a beautiful rhythm to it.

Then the voice starts up. "Don't you have dishes to do? Isn't that your 2 year-old waking from his nap? Remember, you husband won't be home tonight..."

Anxiety is not my friend.

So, when my class starts up on Thursday, I hope be be able to quiet my interal hall moniter. Afterall, I'll then get to be nagged (by myself) to do my homework. Lovely wonderful writing homework. See..I can force myself to do what I really want to do sometimes. It's like tricking myself to be happy.