Perspectives
Hey I'm back! No really, mentally I think I am finally plugged into this whole blog thing again. It really helped to read all posts you have all kept writing even while I wallowed in this funk. Anyway, Bobita helped me realize what it is I wanted to write about so I send out a cyber-thanks her way. Her post from July 7th is worth a look.
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It has recently come to my attention that more people who know me in person have started/been all along, reading this blog. At first thought, I was all that won't matter. I'm good. I was always writing to let any of them read it anyway. Yeah..right. While I was writing so I would be happy to have those I know read here I suddenly became really aware of my past posts. Wondering..if I might have said something... You know what I mean. I hate that it matters to me; that I somehow now question how much of myself I have been sharing. How ugly that self might just be.
I read a post on another blog this week. It was a meme to list the 20 things that the blogger hates the most. I don't comment on this blog. I read because the writer can be very entertaining. However, she has a sharp tongue (keyboard?) and I have decided I don't really want that cynical, critical eye turned in my direction. So, I read and am proud she feels she can say all of it, but sad a little that she has so much to be irritated about. She posted this meme and many of my own dislikes were on the list...but then she got to the point where she talked about hating fat people. I am an overweight woman. (Something that should be understood before you think that my 8 lb weight loss is an amazing thing. 8 lbs is wonderful, but I've a long way to go...) I don't define myself in most circumstances by my weight. I happen to think I have a whole truckload of redeeming characteristics, and most days I remember this. So, I brushed off the fact that this person who I have never, and probably never will, meet has decided I am worth hating.
Funny how the unconscious mind holds onto such moments. I tend to dream vibrantly with loads of color and action. I have sometimes wondered if being bipolar plays a part into that, but I have always dreamt like this. I remember dreams from elementary school age. I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I met this blogger. It was a group thing, in my own backyard. In my mind (dream mind) I kept thinking about how every time she looked at me she must be overflowing with hatred. But when we spoke she was polite enough. In the dream I decided it was her problem, not mine (I'm very proud of me for this..) and went about providing drinks etc. for the get together.
It makes me wonder how much her generic hatred toward obesity really bothers me. An odd, unsettled feeling has stayed with me since the dream.
Today was clean up day at my house. Often, Saturdays are the catch up days. My oldest, Heather 10 year-old has been wanting to spend the night at a friends house. She has desperately wanted permission to go. We (my husband and I) told her she had to have her room clean and then we would call the friend's mother and make arrangements for it. Heather had done some work on the huge mess during the week and was planning to get it all finished today. Oh wow. She and her younger sister share a room and Heather was always trying to get younger sis to help more. Heather though, had constant troubles remembering she was supposed to be cleaning up too. Every time today Heather was asked to do anything she would agree and then promptly forget and go about reading, playing..eating...
When we would explain to her she was going to lose all privileges in regards to attending sleep overs, she would start to cry and complain about how she has to do everything. Talk about a Cinderella complex. There was just no way to help her understand all she needed to do was to clean up her own mess.
So, where am I going with all these different thing? In every case it is all about perspective. I have the ultimate power over my choices. I can choose how to feel, even if it takes some work.
I really am happy to know more of my family are reading my blog. I love the thought that they will get to know me better. I have re-decided that this is a place about being me. About expressing myself in as genuine way as I can. That is why it has been so fun. Gaining acceptance for sharing myself is a powerful thing. I have to regrasp this desire in my writing.
I cannot change another person's view of overweightness (is that a word?). There are a multitude of reasons why losing weight has been difficult. (Having two babies in two years didn't help either...) I am who I am, whether fat or thin. And actually, it is too bad the talented blogger hates as she does. She is missing out on some really amazing people.
My daughter is 10. She has a long way to go before understanding what she has been feeling. I will be consistent with her and follow through with the loss of her privileges. I hope she comes to understand soon though because I love that she has made new, good, sweet friends over the summer. I want her to be able to build strong lasting relationships. She and I will sit down for a talk tomorrow. After this frustrating day she could probably really use some reassurances that she is loved.
I love writing. I love blogging. I have tried to express this love and desire to my sisters and my mom. It is difficult for some to understand how I can open myself..and my children in a sense to the world for judgment and in the cases of pictures, misuse. I respect their opinions and I am not careless in my blogging. I am glad I didn't let those worries prevent me from finding this enjoyable forum. I feel privileged to get to read other blogs and I am touched by those of you who visit me.
Coming soon!
My mom has agreed to look at guest posting for me. That will be a special treat.
I read a post on another blog this week. It was a meme to list the 20 things that the blogger hates the most. I don't comment on this blog. I read because the writer can be very entertaining. However, she has a sharp tongue (keyboard?) and I have decided I don't really want that cynical, critical eye turned in my direction. So, I read and am proud she feels she can say all of it, but sad a little that she has so much to be irritated about. She posted this meme and many of my own dislikes were on the list...but then she got to the point where she talked about hating fat people. I am an overweight woman. (Something that should be understood before you think that my 8 lb weight loss is an amazing thing. 8 lbs is wonderful, but I've a long way to go...) I don't define myself in most circumstances by my weight. I happen to think I have a whole truckload of redeeming characteristics, and most days I remember this. So, I brushed off the fact that this person who I have never, and probably never will, meet has decided I am worth hating.
Funny how the unconscious mind holds onto such moments. I tend to dream vibrantly with loads of color and action. I have sometimes wondered if being bipolar plays a part into that, but I have always dreamt like this. I remember dreams from elementary school age. I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I met this blogger. It was a group thing, in my own backyard. In my mind (dream mind) I kept thinking about how every time she looked at me she must be overflowing with hatred. But when we spoke she was polite enough. In the dream I decided it was her problem, not mine (I'm very proud of me for this..) and went about providing drinks etc. for the get together.
It makes me wonder how much her generic hatred toward obesity really bothers me. An odd, unsettled feeling has stayed with me since the dream.
Today was clean up day at my house. Often, Saturdays are the catch up days. My oldest, Heather 10 year-old has been wanting to spend the night at a friends house. She has desperately wanted permission to go. We (my husband and I) told her she had to have her room clean and then we would call the friend's mother and make arrangements for it. Heather had done some work on the huge mess during the week and was planning to get it all finished today. Oh wow. She and her younger sister share a room and Heather was always trying to get younger sis to help more. Heather though, had constant troubles remembering she was supposed to be cleaning up too. Every time today Heather was asked to do anything she would agree and then promptly forget and go about reading, playing..eating...
When we would explain to her she was going to lose all privileges in regards to attending sleep overs, she would start to cry and complain about how she has to do everything. Talk about a Cinderella complex. There was just no way to help her understand all she needed to do was to clean up her own mess.
So, where am I going with all these different thing? In every case it is all about perspective. I have the ultimate power over my choices. I can choose how to feel, even if it takes some work.
I really am happy to know more of my family are reading my blog. I love the thought that they will get to know me better. I have re-decided that this is a place about being me. About expressing myself in as genuine way as I can. That is why it has been so fun. Gaining acceptance for sharing myself is a powerful thing. I have to regrasp this desire in my writing.
I cannot change another person's view of overweightness (is that a word?). There are a multitude of reasons why losing weight has been difficult. (Having two babies in two years didn't help either...) I am who I am, whether fat or thin. And actually, it is too bad the talented blogger hates as she does. She is missing out on some really amazing people.
My daughter is 10. She has a long way to go before understanding what she has been feeling. I will be consistent with her and follow through with the loss of her privileges. I hope she comes to understand soon though because I love that she has made new, good, sweet friends over the summer. I want her to be able to build strong lasting relationships. She and I will sit down for a talk tomorrow. After this frustrating day she could probably really use some reassurances that she is loved.
I love writing. I love blogging. I have tried to express this love and desire to my sisters and my mom. It is difficult for some to understand how I can open myself..and my children in a sense to the world for judgment and in the cases of pictures, misuse. I respect their opinions and I am not careless in my blogging. I am glad I didn't let those worries prevent me from finding this enjoyable forum. I feel privileged to get to read other blogs and I am touched by those of you who visit me.
Coming soon!
My mom has agreed to look at guest posting for me. That will be a special treat.
9 Comments:
I believe I know the blogger of whom you speak, and she does have a very sharp tongue at times. I have communicated with her offline, though, and I think she's not as black/white as she makes herself out to be on the blog. I don't know if her anonymity makes her feel more invincible or what, but I don't think she would be judgmental in every circumstance. I interpreted that item to be more about people who aren't conscious of the health impacts of constantly overeating junk food... but yeah, reality is more complex than just a sweeping statement about weight and diet can encompass.
Anyway, I am not here to defend this other blogger. I wanted to tell you that I admire your ability to recognize the place of perspecive -- you obviously have the abilty to be empathetic toward others, and understand the complexities of reality. And I love that you are confident enough with yourself to embrace the good with the bad, without judging yourself. I'm working to get there myself. ;-)
I agree, Bobita's post was excellent!
I think that is why so many people enjoy blogging, it is an outlet, much cheaper than a therapist's couch! Sometimes when I am trying to post about something, I wind up looking at things in ways I hadn't expected in order for them to make sense in writing.
As for the other blogger, I haven't read it, so I cannot say. It is sad that there are people who are so unwilling to look past the phsysical. I find it is mainly a shortcoming in themselves, not anyone else.
We love your blog, keep those posts coming!
I don't know who you are talking about, though of course I am curious now. BUt there have been a few bloggers I've stumbled across that I think are really sharp tongued, too. Judgemental, and with an attitude of I-am-better-than-you. It always surprises me that these type of posts seem to get so many comments, that other people are not turned off, the way I am. I ended up dropping a couple from my blogroll because everytime I went there, I would feel vaguely insulted by what I read.
Anyway. Blogging IS like therapy, just like Gina said. It's really hard to be completely honest and truthful when many of your loved ones are reading. I'm glad you are figuring out a way to make it work!
Good for you! You just keep on blogging because I'm going to keep on coming back!!!
Whoever that person is ... they are just one person ... and since you don't even know them ... their warped opinion shouldn't even count.
You just keep on being you.
It would be awesome for your mom to guest post! I'm sorry you read a hurtful entry, I guess it's one of the many many internet pitfalls. Not quite as bad as getting a hurtful commentor, eh?
You're not alone in the "overweight blogger trying to maintain a healthy self esteem" category. Thanks for your honesty - it's so healing to read of other people's struggles and realize we are not alone.
It is so difficult sometimes...when we hear (or read) hurtful things...to be mindful of perspective. To remember that we have the power to choose our own reaction...our own meaning. (Believe me, I struggle with this on a daily basis!)
And I am jumping up and down cheering...because of your courage to be you. The genuine you.
I am very late to this party. But I have to say, I agree with what a lot of people said, especially Amy.
I think that people who say they hate something fear it. I know I do....Spiders, horses....but to say you hate anyone who is over weight is just plain mean and uncalled for. And if that person truly feels that way, then it is thier greatest fear. And it most likely has nothing to do with anyone but them.
Don't let it get you down. Not everyone has to be a size 2. I surly am not. ;)
This is a great post, sweetie.
Overweight is not an actionable offense, it's the status of the majority of Americans. And if it were EASY to lose weight once you've gained it, there wouldn't be so many fad diets and water pills on the market. It seems really silly to hate someone for something that isn't part of their psyche. And I'm not one of those "don't hate" people, either. I have lots of hate. I hate racism, I hate homophobia, I hate it when people talk on their cell phones in grocery stores.....
But to say that you hate fat people? That doesn't make sense to me. Seems pretty harsh, and pretty fearful. I think the blogger in question probably has some issues they're not addressing in their own head. I am sorry that your feelings were hurt, however briefly, and I do know how you feel, as my weight has yo-yo'd my entire life. It always feels like an uphill battle, and I never take it for granted.
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