Surgery

I have to have surgery this week. My knee has some torn cartilage that needs to be cleaned up. The surgery was scheduled a week ago. I have found that waiting to be just shy of agony. It has been worse than Christmas ever was for me as a child. Anticipation sucks! See the doctor isn't sure exactly what he will do until he gets into my knee with that little camera of his. I might end up on crutches and hobbling around for weeks afterward or I could end up with a couple of day s of soreness and no brace and no crutches. The strangest thing is the preferred choice is for me to be disabled for weeks. Crazy isn't it. I still have 2 1/2 days left before the surgery and go figure my knee is feeling better than it has in weeks. Isn't that how it always is? You start to feel better just before seeing the doctor. It makes me wonder how much I really want to do this, but then I've put so much energy and worry in to this thing that if I don't follow through I'll have the worst let down. And you know what? Secretly, quietly in the inner most reaches of my mind. I am hoping for the longer recovery. No, not because it gives me a greater chance of a clear future with the knee. No, in that innermost part of my conscious, I am looking forward to the attention I will get if I am debilitated. Isn't that just awful of me? I've been really trying to just ignore those little thoughts floating around back there, but they haven't gone away! I feel as if I must be the worst most selfserving person on the planted to be thinking that way. I am so selfish. Sometimes I really don't like my innerself.